


Sanguine Rhapsody

by GentlemanCrow



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Comedy, F/F, F/M, Fantasy, M/M, Romance, Supernatural Elements, Vampires
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-08-15
Updated: 2013-08-18
Packaged: 2017-11-12 05:45:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/487375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GentlemanCrow/pseuds/GentlemanCrow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>About three things Sollux Captor was absolutely positive: First, Eridan Ampora was a Vampire.  Second, he was an insufferable, pompous prick and part of him, though he did not know how dominant that part may be, longed to punch him square in his snooty face.  And third, his apartment was pretty choice, and living with an asshole Vampire had to still be better than living in a cardboard box in a dark alley behind a Chinese joint.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In which a young vagrant finds himself in a living situation no sitcom ever prepared him for.

**Author's Note:**

> Well you can totally kick me out of the fandom now for this! And NO despite my dumb description Twilight Parody this is NOT A TWILIGHT PARODY XT Just me really wanting an EriSol vampire AU because I'm a big huge dumb and I love Vampires and I hadn't seen anyone do it yet! Also me trying to write COMEDY because damn if EriSol doesn't need more comedic fics! Except I'm about as funny as my shoe so I apologize in advance for well… For my everything. Just go on ahead and read it and let me know how you feel at the end!

**Chapter One:**

In which a young vagrant finds himself in a living situation no sitcom ever prepared him for.

[Super rad art by the super rad Bitey!](http://biteydrawsthings.tumblr.com/)

As he sat at the Starbucks table underneath an umbrella sipping a hot double shot venti caramel machiatto on a crisp autumn afternoon, one Sollux Captor wondered whether or not spending his last scrap of change on a sugary, caffeinated death shot had been worth it. Indeed it had, he reasoned, for he would need the extra jolt if he was going to be awake all night on the streets fending off muggers, murderers, rapists, and the like. That tended to happen when one was rendered suddenly and ruthlessly homeless. But if there was one positive to take away from the ruins that had become of his life in the span of a single morning, at least being evicted from his rathole of an apartment and tossed out like last week's forgotten garbage and sleeping on a park bench meant he could easily evade the collection agencies that had been hounding him for the expensive custom-built laptop with which he was currently browsing alternate lodging opportunities. Glass half full, as he recalled someone saying once. Whoever it was ought to be drawn and quartered and their head placed on a pike as a warning to all other optimists for perpetuating such asinine sentiment.

Sollux sneered and took another swig of his syrupy drink to wash the tang of resentment out of his mouth. It was no fault of his that he had been fired from every programming company that had ever offered him employment. Something about not playing nice with others or some other pedantic gradeschool gripe levied against him by coworkers clearly jealous of his genius. And it was certainly not his fault that all his usual banking systems had undergone a recent security upgrade that he was having trouble cracking. A week, tops, and he knew he would be back to skimming just a little off the top of unsuspecting accounts and never raising a red flag. Of course this was not something he could freely admit to a furious landlord with a hand rammed firmly down his proverbial empty pockets, and so he had packed his meager belongings and his beloved laptop and walked out, middle fingers flying proud above his head.

The last laugh would be his, however. Everyone would eat their words and grovel for forgiveness once he was finished with his lifelong project and reigned king of the gaming world. The immaculate creation of an RPG that he had been plotting, scheming, and incubating since his high school days would be the pinnacle of PC gaming. For years it would be the talk of the industry. Droves of fans would clamber in line for the release at midnight, people would be trampled, pandemonium would ensue; it would be legendary. All games that came before would be reviled as shoddy and mediocre, and all games that would come after would pale in comparison until Armageddon. The name Sollux Captor would go down in history as the technological and storytelling genius of all history and never forgotten. As soon as he could find a new place to work, that is. Starbucks only allowed leeching of their power outlets and wifi for so long.

Every apartment and ad listing flashed before Sollux's eyes, one dark ruddy brown, the other a pale sky blue behind his oval-rimmed glasses, but none stood out. Every single one demanded unreasonable things like security deposits and proof of employment, and some even first and last month's rent up front. Many of them he had already been evicted from and still technically owed money to and he skipped over them with a groan. It was going to be a long evening.

Rush hour came and went. After work patrons shuffled into the Starbucks for their fix before trudging home. Sollux grew bored and distracted and began perusing web comics and his favorite tech blogs and the website with the idiotic cat photos he swore he would never go back to while the apartment listings fell further and further into his browser tabs. Eventually he had the sense to realize that leasing offices were not twenty-four hour liquor stores and normal people with normal jobs and normal hours went home at the end of the day, ate dinner, and went to bed at a reasonable time. Sighing, Sollux reached for his coffee only to discover he had emptied it ages ago and had taken approximately three futile attempts at a drink prior before that fact finally sunk in. The cup met a soft death on the pavement before it rolled out into the street and was summarily obliterated by a passing SUV. Sollux tugged his tattered leather jacket closer around his spindly frame against the incoming cool of night and finally got back to work.

Abandoning the allure of shiny, newly renovated apartment buildings with their tantalizing photographs of azure pools, lush flower gardens, and supermodel tenants grinning vacantly into the camera as they pretended to work out, the irate hacker turned at last to the internet underground where he had vowed never to go; the shadowed realm of job boards, personal ads, and rooms to let masking the deepest and darkest perversions of humankind. Sollux entered, with skin crawling and self loathing creeping up his spine, the last bastion of the desperate dregs of cyberspace: Craig's List.

At least a random stranger with a vacant room would be more willing to talk to him at a late hour, and much easier to con into letting him stay the night without paying anything up front. With any luck he might just find an old widow with a spare bedroom and a lonely house who hadn't seen her grandchildren in years who would feed him and bring him hot cocoa and freshly baked cookies and dote on him with no frivolous questions. That, or he could at least find a tweaked out junkie desperate enough to let him stay in hopes of money for a fix and high enough to forget he was ever there before he crept out in the morning. The search went on, but a park bench underneath a pile of newspaper and pigeon feathers was sounding more and more appealing by the moment.

In between the raunchy ads for booty calls with bizarre kinks even Sollux had never heard of in all his years surfing the web and people trying desperately to sell utterly unsellable items, he scanned through the postings with growing disdain and hopelessness. This one wanted too much per month. That one had a horde of cats and with his asthma he'd be dead before morning. Another he knew was in an area of town full of prostitution dens and he wasn't quite desperate enough to concede to being kidnapped into the sex trade just yet. Several more were out of his league entirely.

Things were looking quite bleak for the intrepid young hacker and entrepreneur.

As he approached the end of the posts for the city he began to weigh his options for doom. He could start off with the crazy cat lady. Holding his breath and ramming wads of tissue up his nose for a night certainly wouldn't kill him. Or he could take a risk with the drug dens and sleep with his beloved computer under his pillow and a switchblade in his hand. Perhaps spending a night with hookers would be the best option after all. Sollux was just beginning to wonder if he would look good in a corset and fishnets when he reached an odd post buried near the bottom of the page. The title read, 'Room to let – Rent free! See posting for details'. Sollux stopped scrolling. Offering a room completely free seemed ludicrous. It had to be some kind of typical Craig's List shenanigans, but curiosity had always gotten the better of him, particularly in the underbelly of the web. Certain he would open it to see a graphic picture of male genitalia in full lewd display underneath the hairy gut of a desperate divorcee or a woman performing fellatio on some barnyard animal, he clicked it anyway. Much to his surprise, an actual article loaded written in prim and proper shorthand.

"Renowned businessman and heir to fortune seeks roommate and housekeeper to share luxury downtown loft with scenic views. Responsibilities include cleaning, maintenance, and errands in lieu of rent. Must be cooperative, well mannered, gracious, and be amenable to house rules. Male, college educated, cultured, and with a taste for literature and music preferred. Must love fish.

Please make all inquiries in person in the evening hours after 7 pm.

Regards,

E. Ampora Esq."

After he finished, Sollux stared at the screen for several moments before bursting out in hysterics. The thing read more like the clueless personals he had just been amusing himself with rather than an ad for a room. It had to be too good to be true. Whoever posted it claimed to live in the lap of luxury. Dusting a few expensive electronics and taking out the trash would be the extent of his duties. The rest of his time would be free to work on his game and get back into the hacking, swindling, and grifting scene. Yet the fact remained that the posting was well over a month old. It had to be some kind of scam. Either that or it really was a personal in disguise and every unfortunate soul who had answered it had met a grisly fate of cheap champagne, men's room musk, and Barry White on vinyl.

Sollux couldn't decide on which possibility seemed more likely. He had to investigate. It was too bizarre not to, and he had nowhere else to go anyway. If it was true he had to see for himself just what kind of ignoramus was willing to let just anyone waltz up to his door, invade his home, and clean his stuff without any kind of background check or a referral. For all he knew it could be a serial killer's trap, or a prank that would land his duped mug on youtube for millions of viewers to ridicule, but his curiosity was intense and sadly, it was still his best lead even after hours of searching for not sleeping in a dark alley with his laptop as a pillow. His phone's GPS found the address on the listing quickly and directed him in robotic monotone where to go. A good journey downtown awaited him, so Sollux packed up his computer and tucked it into his ratty duffel bag with the rest of his meager belongings and headed for the nearest metro station. He would decide how to handle the situation once he arrived. Besides, he hadn't even had one of his freaky dreams or heard any of the whispers warning him to stay away, and they were always right about everything. When he could figure them out, anyway.

The apartment's address was indeed, as the listing claimed, in a posh and pricey area of downtown well known for housing the elite and upper crust of society. A straight subway ride and a quick jaunt on a bus took Sollux close enough and he walked the rest of the way as the sun sunk into its fiery grave below the horizon and the lights of downtown. He was glad not to have to look over his shoulder as he turned every corner and look down every alley as he made his way to the towering, shining high rise overlooking the sprawling lush park at the heart of the city. The windows shone in the light of the budding moon just peaking through the metropolitan haze. Complete with red awnings trimmed in gold, flowers, flags, and a burly, affronted doorman in a caricature of military garb, he whistled through his teeth at the sight. Sollux suddenly felt as if a force field surrounding the place was scanning his credit card even through his wallet to charge him for even being in the presence of the magnificent structure and its purportedly important residents.

Sollux marched with purpose up to the revolving door of the front entrance, only to be stopped by the very stern and humorless brick wall of a doorman. He tried to joke his way in, but his cracks about Dickensian street paupers and wanting to learn to be a proper lady and looking for Mister Higgins in poor and lispy imitation of cockney won him zero points. No one ever appreciated his sense of humor. In the end he was forced to dryly admit he was there to inquire about the room in a slow tone using very small words. All vestiges of color drained from the man's face at the mere mention of whomever it was that dwelled in the loft high above. He instructed Sollux to stay on the sidewalk and not to move, talk to anyone, or even blink or breathe while he went inside to check him in and vanished back inside to the main office. Sollux watched, grinning crookedly and feeling like he'd stepped right into the cheesiest of campy horror movies.

A few moments later the doorman returned, still ashen faced, and clandestinely handed him a folded slip of paper with "Apartment 206" written on it and a code underneath without another word. He silently returned to his post and Sollux took the invitation to waltz in and carry on his way. The lobby of the apartment building was just as lavish as the outside suggested. A crystal chandelier hung overhead, bathing the room in warm chromatic light, and a smug sculpture of a nude Greek god invited passengers into gilded elevator doors on either side of him. Sollux gawked openly at his stone endowment, which just so happened to be right at eye level, as he pressed the button to call the elevator and stepped inside the mirrored compartment. The control panel boasted an impressive array of prim brushed nickel buttons with a digital keypad at the top. Assuming, he hoped correctly, that he was meant to enter the code at the bottom of his note in order to gain access to the top suites, Sollux tapped in the numbers and hit the enter key.

The elevator processed his request only a moment before the keypad flashed "Access Granted" and the car lurched smoothly into motion. The conveyance bore Sollux swiftly up every story of the high-rise and made nary a sound. He barely even felt the working parts of the machinery. The only signal he was actually moving was the whirr of the engines and an ominous flickering of the overhead light as it stopped at his destination. A bell chimed. The doors hissed open and ushered their passenger into another small, circular lobby with a skylight above and three hallways branching out from it.

The stars glittered slightly clearer hundreds of feet above the city through the crystalline glass. The moon cast a crisp halo of silvery light around the main foyer. Crisp baroque patterned paper with gold leaf patterns covered the walls and lovingly preserved nautical paintings hung wherever there was room for schooners and galleons and giant squids lurking in the depths. The hallways leading to what Sollux imagined had to be the few suites on the secret top floor were dimly lit only with elaborate gold sconces covered in blood red glass. The entire story lay in eerie silence and ruddy light with its yawning crevices hiding God only knew what, but he had come too far to chicken out at the last second. Shouldering his heavy duffel bag securely onto his shoulders and straightening out his battered jacket, Sollux strode boldly down the center hallway.

The bronze placard told him the passage would take him to apartments numbered 203 through 206, so he knew his destination would be the last door at the end of a long, dark, freaky hallway. How typical, he mused. He trod on silent feet clad in his mismatched black and white hightops feeling compelled to glance over his shoulder to see if something was following him, but reminding himself that was childish idiocy and he would feel like a complete Melvin for days if he so much as admitted the experience was unnerving. Despite the fact that he was growing quite certain once he was inside the apartment he would black out and wake up in some twisted contraption where he would have to gouge out his own eyes or sever a leg in order to survive while a masked madman on closed circuit TV told him that since he loved games so much he thought he might to play one with him.

A dark reddish and elegantly carved mahogany door emerged from the pitch as if by magic, its bright golden number 206 smoldering invitingly. The peephole gleamed like a hungry eye turning its pale scrutiny upon him as Sollux approached and the darkness closed its incorporeal curtain behind him. He sucked a sharp breath through his teeth, steeled his nerves while pointedly not looking back, and rang the bell once. The pleasant tinkle of gentle chimes sounded, muffled with distance and masonry. Sollux had halfway expected an Adams Family moan or a scream, or a chilling death knell. A few moments of silence passed, then nothing. Sollux debated ringing the bell a second time or running away screaming. A few more moments passed and Sollux insulted himself into reaching out to ring the bell, but stopped as he heard footsteps on the other side of the door. He recoiled as if the sleek silver button had morphed into a giant spider and raised all eight hellish limbs to greet him.

A chain rattled against the wood. A dead bolt slid with a low thock into the innards of the door. The knob slowly turned and the door slid soundlessly open. Warm golden light flooded into the darkened hallway, illuminating the tall and stately figure that appeared. His skin was porcelain pale with electric violet gray eyes that stood out against it like the aurora borealis on snowdrifts. His wavy dark chestnut hair was immaculately coiffed, the effect only ruined by a bright purple forelock swept back over the whole presentation. A pair of thick black spectacles sat upon his regally hooked nose and he wore a purple smoking jacket over a dark blue silk shirt. An actual smoking jacket. Sollux was fairly certain those only still existed in black and white movies and bit his tongue to keep from laughing.

"So. You must be the new applicant for the housekeeper position," the owner huffed in a surprising prim Irish accent.

It stunned Sollux. Both in the fact he was definitely not expecting the accent and the fact that he was on a private floor at a private suite that he needed a code to access. No one else was likely to be ringing his bell at nearly eight in the evening.

"Uh, yeah, who else would I be? This place is a fucking Fortress of Solitude. It's not like Jehova's Witnesses or girl scouts or whatever are gonna be waltzing up here to try and guilt trip you into buying ten boxes of thin mints so they can go to horseback riding camp," Sollux joked, his lisp suddenly sounding coarse and hideous by comparison.

He laughed, but the quip fell flat on its face and died an undignified death in silence.

"Uh, anyway, I'm Sollux. Sollux Captor," he quickly recovered, extending a hand.

The man wrinkled his nose, but extended an elegant, immaculately manicured hand bejeweled in gold and amethyst rings for him out of a sheer sense of propriety and nothing more.

"Eridan Ampora."

Sollux shook it firmly once and shivered as it seemed to leech all the warmth from his skin.

"Eridan huh?" Sollux mused, taking his hand awkwardly back and rubbing it, "Interesting name."

"That's Mr. Ampora to you!" Eridan declared, finally stepping out of his apartment and fingering the collar of Sollux's old leather coat as he circled around him like a vulture, "Ugh, why are they always so shabby an' undignified? And why are you wearing two different shoes…?"

"It's a fashion statement. And probably because only a desperate moron would actually come looking for a- Whoa hey easy, hands off the merchandise!" Sollux cried as Eridan opened his jacket to inspect the worn and faded Assassin's Creed tee he was wearing underneath.

Unfazed, he straightened his back and looked curiously into his mismatched brown and blue eyes.

"Your eyes… Are two different colors," he remarked.

"Really!? I hadn't noticed! I have a pathological fear of mirrors and all shiny or reflective surfaces so I haven't seen my face, at all, ever, not once in my entire mortal life," Sollux hissed, his voice dripping in sarcasm.

"A lisp, too… Charming. I suppose beggars can't be choosers," Eridan sighed, "Very well, you can come in, but for chrissakes take off your shoes and leave them outside. God only knows what you've been sloggin' through in the gutters to get up here. And shut the door behind you!"

With that, he turned over his shoulder with a flip of a hand and marched inside his home, leaving the door open for his guest. Sollux stood there with a twisted expression of horror, disgust, and violation all at once on his face. An inkling of just exactly why the posting was still on Craig's List even after a month began to percolate through his skull. But at least it was clear Eridan Ampora was simply an asshole, not a serial killer, and he could deal with assholes for a warm safe bed for the night. He sighed heavily and walked into the apartment, leaving his sneakers most decidedly on as he shut the door and followed Eridan inside.

The apartment itself was the picture of modern elegance and class. Sollux walked on spotless white carpets into a lavish den furnished with immaculate cherry wood and shiny chrome accents. A fireplace burned low beside the state of the art plasma flat screen mounted television that took up nearly an entire wall. A bright blue glow washed over the violet area rug underneath the sleek black leather couch from an enormous fish tank on the opposite side of the room filled to the brim with brightly colored specimens flitting about their artificial coral reef and a beautifully constructed shipwreck model. It was featured almost more prominently than the spectacular television. Now the fish thing made sense.

Sollux quirked an eyebrow at it. He turned to question Eridan, more mock and tease than ask really, but once he did the affected Irishman was nowhere to be seen. The same cold tingle crept up his spine. The door appeared to still be unlocked, just in case he needed to flee. Strength had never been his forte but he could certainly sprint and hope his asthma decided to spare him an attack and a grisly death. Sollux tightened his grip on his duffel bag, muscles tensing, but when he checked over his shoulder to make sure he was clear for his flight Eridan had suddenly reappeared with the same disapproving scowl on his handsomely arrogant face. Sollux swore and reeled backward, gripping his chest and seething.

"Jesus fucking Christ you can't DO that!" he spat.

Eridan blinked innocently.

"Do what? This is my home I can do whatever the fuck I jolly well please!" he harrumphed, "Anyway! Now if you want the job there're a few things I want to go over."

Relieved and thoroughly annoyed, Sollux ran a hand through hair and growled.

"Yeah I'll bet there are…"

"First off!" Eridan announced, raising a finger, "While you are living here there are to be no guests without my express permission!"

Sollux snorted.

"Well that won't be hard seeing as I have no friends and the sex appeal of a Klingon with acne. Next," he retorted.

Eridan seemed surprised by his response, but continued without faltering.

"Secondly, your duties will include vacuumin', dustin', doin' any and all of the dishes, cleanin' anythin' else that needs it and feedin' the fish. I have a professional cleaner who comes in to take care of cleanin' the tank so no need to worry about that one," he pontificated.

"Easy enough, but since the ride is free and all, what about you know, eating? Obviously I am between jobs at the moment so unless you want to come home one day to a skeleton draped seductively over the La-z-Boy here might want to help a bro out," Sollux noted amusedly.

"Oh right, food… You do need food, don't you? Alright, I'll provide an adequate budget for you to sustain your current physique. Shouldn't require much I imagine," Eridan scoffed snootily with a grin.

Sollux was so baffled by the comment about needing food he didn't even think to defend his wiry frame.

"Sounds… Good?"

"Excellent! Now there's one more thing before I show you around," Eridan added, his gray eyes flashing dangerously, "The one rule I gotta fuckin' insist you obey, is you have to stay up in your room after dark. No matter what you hear, no matter what you need, you will stay on the second floor and NEVER come downstairs. Do you understand?"

The command was given with such strange dark authority, such severity, Sollux said nothing in response. He merely nodded, captivated by the intensity in Eridan's eyes and the oddly compelling resonance in his voice. In an instant Eridan morphed back into his prim, stuffy self and puffed out his chest, pleased.

"Excellent! It's just that I keep irregular hours because of my work and I entertain at night. I don't need the help snufflin' and scrapin' around when I have important people here!" he explained.

"Dude, you had me at 'second floor', I don't give two shits about your rich douchebag parties," Sollux affirmed.

"Never address me as 'dude' again!" Eridan snapped, "Now if you are amenable to the conditions I have outlined thus far, I'll show you around the house."

"Lead the way Baron Von Fuckstick."

Luckily, Eridan missed the insult as he turned around and led Sollux through his home. He showed him the vast living room where they had been standing and the attached more modest dining room. The kitchen branching off from the main room proved to be pleasantly large and supplied with top of the line appliances and chef's tools, even though Sollux was completely useless in one. Confirming the existence of a sizeable refrigerator and a microwave was more than enough for him. The balcony overlooking the entirety of the glittering metropolis below and trimmed in lovingly tended flowers and plants was a detail he appreciated, but he was most anxious to see where he would be staying. After a long and drawn out explanation on how he wanted everything cleaned and how he expected it to be, Eridan finally took Sollux up the staircase closed off by another door from the main floor and to the bedroom chambers.

The second floor was not much but a small common area with several doors leading to bedrooms. Eridan allowed Sollux into only one, claiming it was the least grand room, but it was still the most spectacular bedroom Sollux had ever been in. A queen-sized four-poster with royal purple satin sheets sat at the center with the same cherry wood bureaus on either side that matched the rest of the furniture in the house. Art nouveau paintings of mermaids and fantastic sea creatures hung from the pure white walls and a gauzy violet curtain draped over the window cast an almost mystical light from the moon just outside.

"This is where you will stay, and you are not to enter any other room up here. You have a door to your own bathroom over there and you may do as you please with it. Any other questions?" Eridan asked.

There was only one.

"You got wifi, right?"

"Certainly."

"Then I say we got a deal," Sollux agreed.

"Wonderful! Let me have your phone number and I will let you know when I make a decision!" Eridan said, beaming.

Sollux's gut wrenched.

"What? Wait hang on! I thought this was a done deal!" he spluttered.

"No no! Of course not! I can't just have any dirtscrapin' pauper come up in here and agree to let him muck with my effects! I gotta weigh my decision carefully!" Eridan protested, "Now do you want to be considered for the room or don't you?"

Sollux gaped with his jaw hanging wide open, watching the beautiful room and the decadent bed flutter out of the magnificent window with the panoramic view.

"Fine…" he conceded and begrudgingly gave his phone number.

Eridan took it with all the businesslike pomp and circumstance of a job interview, showed him straight back to the door with the usual pleasantries and shut it firmly behind him. Sollux sighed, shoulders drooping under the sudden weight of all his worldly possessions and refound homelessness and trudged to the elevator. He could only hope that the homeless shelters hadn't closed their doors for the night, or that his acting skills were good enough to convince them he was on the brink of death or something.

Sollux only made it as far as the lobby of the apartment complex before his phone rang in his pocket. He stopped and fished it out, staring at the unfamiliar number in disbelief. It couldn't be. And yet, there was only one person it could be. He pressed the answer button and slowly put the phone up to his ear.

"Hello…?"

"Mr. Captor, am I correct?" none other than Eridan's voice barked sharply.

"Uh… Ye-"

"Excellent! Then I am very pleased to inform you, you have been selected to fill the position and to move into the room!" Eridan continued as if there was nothing strange at all about calling literally five minutes later.

"…But I was just fucking there," Sollux deadpanned.

"You haven't accepted alternate lodgin's have you?"

"What the fuck do you think?!"

Silence.

"NO… I haven't…" Sollux finally filled him in, slapping himself in the forehead.

"Good! Then come on over. You will stay here tonight and begin work officially in the morning. I will leave a list of instructions! See you soon!" Eridan sang and promptly hung up the phone.

Sollux stood in the lobby, his silent cell phone still against his ear, lips pressed tightly shut. He had two options. Option A, run and run as fast as he could to the bus stop before the busses stopped running and never look back. Or option B, turn around and get back in the elevator that would take him to a strange and desperate man who referred to him as 'the help' and sent him off only under the pretense of some sort of twisted imaginary job interview. At least Eridan Ampora had already told him he kept odd hours and wanted nothing to do with him. In all likelihood, he would see his face just once more and then it would just be a system of passive aggressive notes and text messages and living in complete blissful silence with the most luscious bed and the single sweetest TV he'd ever seen. Maybe if he behaved himself he could even swindle a Playstation 3 or an Xbox out of his majesty Mr. Ampora. Esquire. Or he could just hang on long enough to find a new job or work a new hack and scam. Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad.

Sollux had always preferred solitude anyway.

But if he was waiting up there with some sort of saucy French maid costume he was going to punch his lights out.

With a grimace and a groan of self-loathing, Sollux stuffed his phone back in his pocket and turned back. He got into the elevator and called himself every colorful, filthy, and ridiculous name he could think of until he got back to Eridan's door and walked back into the posh little corner of hell. Eridan greeted him with pleasant condescension and insisted on going over every single rule one more time in detail before he allowed his new tenant to retire to bed. Sollux did so gratefully and made sure to lock the door behind him as he stripped down to his boxers and left a trail of shabby clothes to the bed where he collapsed, bundled up tightly in the freshly laundered blankets, and fell asleep without even thinking to brush his teeth.

The morning came and went. The hour had struck nearly noon before Sollux peeled his face off of the memory foam pillow, groped around on the nightstand for his glasses, and shoved them onto his face as he smoothed his unruly black hair. He quickly checked the time and his e-mail on his cell, then padded into his own private bathroom with his meager Ziploc filled with his razor, toothbrush, and a comb and blearily turned on the shower to start his day. A short, disinterested personal hygiene routine later he was dressed in his ripped jeans and Horde tee and trotting down the stairs to the kitchen.

The list of his duties penned in Eridan's loopy, aristocratic cursive was pinned to the fridge underneath a googly-eyed seahorse magnet with the wifi password written underneath. It was, "Barracuda". Typical, Sollux mused, while at the same time humming the Heart song and resolving to lecture his new landlord on the practice of using proper passwords, not cute phrases that anyone with a decent computer and a certain level of bored maliciousness could crack. He forgot it quickly, however, after he opened the refrigerator to rummage for something to eat and discovered everything to be eerily new. Everything was still sealed, still in its original packaging, and untouched, as it had been purchased the night before. Eridan must be one to only eat out at expensive restaurants or have it delivered every night by a personal chef, or something like that, Sollux reasoned, and gave it no more thought as he took out sandwich fixings and made himself lunch.

Afterward, he went back to his room for his laptop, logged on to the internet, and lounged on the couch with Eridan's hundreds of channels on satellite while he ate. He signed in to his World of Warcraft account, just to let his guild know he was still alive and chat a bit, and flipped around on the television while he perused his orders. Nothing too complicated, everything Eridan had explained to the point of exhaustion the night before, with an addendum reminding him to be out of sight by seven o'clock. Several exclamation points emphasized once again just how dire the order was. Sollux rolled his eyes and decided a lengthy browse of icanhascheezburger and a bag of chips was much more important than getting started on Eridan's list. That and perhaps a Pawn Stars marathon.

Sollux thoroughly enjoyed several hours of sloth and idleness before he admitted he probably should at least make it look like he'd made an effort to clean. He rummaged around in the kitchen until he found the cleaning supplies and meandered about the apartment wiping things down and dusting them. Feeding the fish turned out to actually be rather pleasurable, and he saved it for last so he could watch the cheerful creatures snap and swirl about in the clear blue water until he was banished. When the dainty pendulum clock chimed seven, Sollux packed up his laptop as agreed, turned off the TV, and headed back up to his room with only a slight tinge of irritation and a generous armful of snacks. As much as he would have liked to stay in the living room with all the luxuries he could possibly want, if Eridan was schlepping more of his ilk over to entertain he was more than content to curl up in bed and play some World of Warcraft until he passed out on top of his keyboard like he usually did.

Also it was raid night, and Sollux would be damned if he was going to let some other chump Mage in the guild complete a tier set before he did. He logged back into the game, opened a Mt. Dew, and piled up his pillows for a long night of slinging frost and fire and mocking morons on ventrilo. His guild was grateful to have him and his leadership back and as he lead them off into deepest, darkest end game, his new life suddenly seemed like he had hit the proverbial jackpot. The raid went flawlessly, he walked away with all the spoils, and had plenty of time and energy left over to do a little ganking outside Stormwind, never even noticing the time.

He had cleared out all the guards and attracted the attention of some high level Alliance players when suddenly downstairs he heard the doorbell ring and the front door open even through his headset. Curious, he pulled it around his neck in time to hear Eridan's voice ring out recognizably but indistinct in greeting and several more answer him. Apparently he wasn't kidding about entertaining. Yet at the same time Sollux couldn't help but be morbidly curious. If Eridan was as rich and as huge a player on the social scene as he insinuated he was, he could very well have infamous socialites with sex tapes and heirs to blood fortunes and perhaps even celebrities down in his den. It couldn't hurt to take a peek, or to wander out and claim complete ignorance of the no appearances after dark rule. Whoever Eridan had over for cocktails and asinine chitchat might even find him cute and delightful in a pauperish sort of way and insist he stay. They might actually find him witty and amusing and offer him a job or money or gifts. Really, the mere fact that it had been forbidden alone made him want to spy all the more.

His Warcraft compatriots were loathe to see him go, but Sollux signed off after bidding them farewell and closed his laptop, slipping it under his pillow. He slid off the bed and slunk, barefoot and silent, out of his room and across the landing down the stairs. The voices of the visitors were clearer once he reached the door and he pressed his ear against the cool mahogany to hear. Unsurprisingly, he could hear Eridan, who seemed to be talking with someone who was very loud, very articulate, and very angry. Two female voices chimed in from time to time, but they were much more calm and sedate and seemed to be off on their own for the moment. None of them seemed familiar, but Sollux felt compelled to insert himself anyway. The look on Eridan's face alone would be worth it. All he had to do was wander out, claim he left something, and get a glimpse of who was in there, invited to stay or not. The perfect crime. He grinned, opened the door, and sauntered out with the confident swagger of a serial rule breaker and schoolyard delinquent.

"Hey guys! Sorry to butt in on this little soiree but I-"

Sollux stopped mid sentence. His feet froze to the floor and his blood turned to ice in his veins as he beheld the grisly scene he never should have witnessed. Eridan's head jerked up in surprise from the couch where he had been caressing the neck of a shaggy haired man wearing a red hoodie with both his lips and the set of vicious, bloodstained fangs dripping over his lips and chin as his jaw dropped in equal horror. His victim sat up, glanced over the back of the couch and swore loudly as he shoved at the creature on top of him. Eridan fought back, but Sollux heard none of their squabble as the blood rushed nosily in his ears. A woman sitting on a bar stool at the kitchen counter in a stylish black dress turned, sipping serenely on a blood donor bag through a curly crazy straw, and regarded him with casual novelty alongside her equally nonplussed blonde companion. Finally, he thought to raise his hands in surrender and scramble messily out of the room with an undignified and high-pitched scream. He slammed the door behind him and pressed his back against it, eyes wide and wild and chest heaving for breath.

Eridan Ampora was a lot of things, professional douchebag, socialite, heir to some kind of nondescript fortune, and blithering idiot, but now Sollux knew why he was so particular on top of it all.

Eridan Ampora was a vampire.


	2. In which Sollux finds himself at the mercy of a menagerie of Supernaturals and handles his shit adroitly. Or tries to, at least.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HOO BOY HERE WE GO AGAIN! Crow makes another pathetic attempt at being funny! BUT IT WAS FUN TO WRITE REGARDLESS! I really love all of this supernatural mucky muck and I really should work on this more often ahaha. Really what I intend it to be is sort of a dumb slice of life series that just so happens to include Vampires and Witches and Weres and all kinds of fun things and I kind of have a plan for most of the characters so yeah! THERE IS SOMETHING HERE I SWEAR! So enjoy! And as always a comment really makes my day so please leave me one if you do!

Chapter 2:

In which Sollux finds himself at the mercy of a menagerie of Supernaturals and handles his shit adroitly. Or tries to, at least.

Sollux's life flashed before his eyes, awkward acne-riddled teenage disasters and pathetic adulthood and all, as he listened to the heated argument going on outside his one bastion of safety. Mentally, he was screaming at himself and lobbing every oath in the book at his feet to move, god fucking damn it, but they remained stubbornly rooted to the spot. Only when he heard footsteps and an angry voice approaching did he finally flee, legs numb and clumsy and knocking him around the stairs and banister like a disastrous pinball game played by drunken frat boys on a bender. Through some minor miracle he stumbled his way into his room, slammed the door behind him, and stood there with his back braced against it, white as a sheet and hyperventilating.

A trickle of sweat down his temple and the obnoxiously familiar wheeze and constriction of his airway interrupted the panic enough for him remember that he was a mere mortal doorstop of fleshy feebleness. Should an angry vampire choose to tear right through both at once it would prove to be less physical exertion and more annoyance with dry cleaning and repair bills and elaborate and uncomfortable lies about just how those massive bloodstains got there and why a bedroom door was splintered into sawdust. Sollux whipped around, locked the door, which he instantly realized was rather dimwitted of him, and dove for his inhaler in his duffel bag. He had barely treated the oncoming asthma attack and begun mentally drafting escape plan B when he heard his pursuers galloping up the stairs. Much to his surprise, someone tried the door, and even knocked politely, if hurriedly, and spoke in a harsh voice that belied the impatience and frustration buried in it.

"Look pal, no need to lock us out, we just want to talk about all this for a second!" it barked.

"No chance in hell! Thanks for playing though! I have LOVED having you both as contestants! I'd offer you a free copy of our home game but I'm in a bit of a rush!" Sollux hollered sarcastically in return.

Meanwhile, he began scurrying around the room, looking for either a way out, or if worse came to worst, something to use as a weapon.

"Jesus fucking Christ, you saw what you just saw and you've still got the stones to be a complete fuckwad about it?" the angry voice snarled.

"Oh DO forgive me! I'm so terribly sorry, I am such a rude and uncouth oaf not to offer myself up as the blue plate special for the evening! Where ARE my manners? Give me a second to strip naked and anoint myself with béarnaise so you can properly enjoy my rustic flavor!" Sollux hissed as he opened the window and peered out onto the perilous drop from the penthouse suite to the roof of the other apartments below.

"Yeah, I gotta say he had a pretty bad attitude in his interview as well," he heard Eridan chime in with his starkly contrasting prim and conceited Irish accent.

"Just bust the fucking door down before he does something idiotic!" the other voice gratingly commanded.

"I am not breakin' down my own door! It's FRENCH!"

"Who gives a shit about your fancy ass French door? Is a FRENCH DOOR going to matter when you're mind wiping cops AGAIN because you are such a stuck-up windbag some loser would rather jump out your window than live in your house?! Besides! I thought you said you did the whole big brother thought police vampire trick on him and told him to keep the fuck OUT of your business! Not walk in like he owns the place like an entitled, drunken divorcé into a titty bar!"

"I did!" Eridan whined.

"Oh sure yeah, bang up job on that one then! Let's all have a fucking round of applause for Eridan the magnificent, master of manipulation and intrigue! Don't forget to tip your waitress and come again next week!"

"That was fuckin' uncalled for, you ass!"

"No what was uncalled for was you ripping your fangs out of my flesh like a ravenous fucking wolf and dropping me on the couch while the blithering ignoramus who shouldn't have even BEEN here barged in uninvited and now knows WAY more than he's supposed to!"

"Well it's not my fault he can't follow simple directions! I'd sooner just wait him out and eat him…"

"Ugh FINE if you're gonna get your silk panties in a bunch I'll deal with it myself! Listen uh-! …Oh shit, what is his goddamn name?"

"No idea."

"What the actual fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"It means exactly what it sounds like it means you daft little prick! I don't remember his name! Why would I bother committin' some bloody peasant's name to my precious memory bank? Not like I got unlimited slots up in here you know! Hundreds of years of art and music and USEFUL things take up a lot of room!"

"Are you fucking serious right now?! You invited him into your house… To LIVE with you… To clean your shit and wander around unsupervised all day like some mentally handicapped bovine blundering through your personal effects? And you can't even remember his fucking NAME?"

"Your point is?"

"Put your fucking fangs away and let me handle this!"

"Fiiiine…"

"Ok, whatever the fuck your name is! Frankly I don't really give a shit who you are, what your name is, or what pathetic sob story you have to land yourself in the den of my pal the pretentious douchewad bloodsucking twit, it would just REALLY REALLY be preferable if you didn't try anything fucking moronic like oh say, climbing out the window, beneath which awaits a fifty story drop and new life as a human puddle. Or perhaps crafting a makeshift stake out of a table leg because even though that's one thing pop culture usually gets right about Vampires I'd love to avoid a nasty altercation that WILL result in the only earthly memory of you becoming a blood stain in the carpet we will have to throw out in a dark alley. Am I clear?"

Sollux glanced down at the broken wooden leg in his hand, which he had craftily wrested off the fancy nightstand by his bed while the vampire and his friend argued outside, and dropped it.

"God damn it…" he muttered to himself.

"Now I'm going to ask you one more time to open the door and let us in so we can talk about this like adults instead of wailing infants shitting their pants and stewing in the emotional shitmire of exceedingly visceral human kneejerkings, okay?" the angrier voice continued, only mildly less angry.

"And just why the hell should I do that? How do I know the second I open that door and say, 'sup Vampire homies' you're not gonna tackle me to the bed and have some sort of Vampire threeway which I am guessing is nowhere near as hot as all the internet porn makes it out to be and involves a lot more bleeding and screaming and dying!" Sollux snapped, turning to the window as a last resort and opening it.

"First of all, I'm not a fucking Vampire! Second of all why the fuck do you know what internet Vampire porn is like? And thirdly, look, I know what you saw was probably… Pretty disturbing… And YES Eridan is the bona fide Vampire here but mostly he's just the whiny self-aggrandizing kind not the… Sparkling in the daylight, stalking you, and watching you sleep kind. Well actually I guess I wouldn't put that past him-"

"HEY!"

"ANYWAY," the voice continued, "Eridan is sort of my friend, and he's really not incredibly horrible, at least not all the time, and the only reason you saw him biting me was because I was letting it happen! This isn't some undead date night from hell gone all kinds of creative ways wrong this was all planned out and under control at all times, I swear!"

"Wait, you ALLOW him to bite you?" Sollux gasped in revulsion as he hurled the pillows off the bed and yanked off the sheets to tie into a makeshift rope.

"We… Sort of have an arrangement."

"Dude, that's sick. And not the wicked awesome kind of sick, the Chris Hansen is about to walk in with all the cameras from Dateline and do an exposé on both your twisted asses kind of sick…"

Sollux made a few knots in his emergency lifeline and grabbed hold of the four-poster to drag it over to the window. After a few futile yanks, a lifetime of video games, forged notes to get out of PE, and Mt. Dew and Doritos returned to inform him there was no way in hell that was happening. He heaved a sigh in frustration.

"Oh my GOD! Can you listen for just one goddamn minute? Or is your head so packed full of gelatinous cesspool of sarcasm froth that you might as well just jump headlong out the window and hope it cushions your fall like a stubborn, ancient hag leaping out of her tenth story hoarder nest fire into the rescue mat? But only after she refused to LISTEN TO THE KIND AND PATIENT AND ALSO BORED HOUSEWIFE FANTASY TYPE SEXY FIREMAN AT HER DOOR OFFERING HER A MUCH SAFER RIDE OVER HIS CHIVALROUS SHOULDER WITH DETAILED EXPLANATIONS AS TO WHY THIS FIRE WAS HAPPENING, HOW IT BURNS, AND HOW SHE COULD BE SAFE FROM IT NOW AND FOREVER INTO THE FUTURE, THEREFORE SECURING HER CONTINUED EXISTENCE ON THIS PATHETIC ROCK WE CALL EARTH DOWN THE STAIRCASE WHICH PROBABLY ENDED WITH HOT COCOA AND A SMILING BLONDE BIMBO CUDDLING UP TO HER TO TELL HER FEEL GOOD STORY OF SURVIVAL ON THE 11 O'CLOCK NEWS, but no! She was too fucking stupid to LISTEN TO REASON!"

The long-winded tirade was so ridiculous and drawn out, Sollux actually abandoned his escape line and plodded curiously closer to the door.

"Are you the fireman…?" he asked, amused.

"YES I'm the goddamn fireman in this shitty analogy that got way out of hand because your head's thicker than jailhouse concrete! You're in absolutely no goddamn danger UNLESS, like I said, you choose to be an idiot!" the voice snapped back.

"You got a name?" Sollux inquired, putting a hand on the silver doorknob.

"Oh for fucks sake. As if it's actually going to make a difference in whatever delusional escape plan you have cooking in there, but if you must know… It's Karkat. My name is Karkat."

"It might! Maybe I would have been a little more open to the idea of opening the door if you had just introduced yourself first! See now I know your name, so I can say pleasure to make your acquaintance, Karkat. My name is Sollux, would you care to come in?"

"Oh WONDERFUL. Chivalry apparently isn't dead! Next thing I know you'll have locked yourself in there to surprise me with a full spread for tea! With tiny fucking sandwiches and chocolate coated spoons for stirring and homemade French Macaroons! Yes thank you, Sollux! My favorite tea is oolong, thanks much! Oh but make sure the fucking temperature is PRECISELY 190 degrees Fahrenheit and I like it steeped for EXACTLY five minutes and thirty two seconds! Can you handle THAT? I mean because opening a simple fucking door seems to be the monumental fucking task of a lifetime I'm not really sure you're up to high society TEA!"

Laughing at last, and all his initial panic completely vanished into the utter ridiculousness of his present company, Sollux finally cracked the door open and peered out with one scrutinizing eye. Eridan stood with his arms crossed petulantly over his chest and his face screwed up like something reeked next to the much stouter figure that must have been the charming Karkat, with unruly black hair and fierce brown eyes that smoldered with rage even over the dark bags that gave him the stunning mien of a chronic insomniac or perhaps a terminal cancer patient. Blood still covered his neck where the Vampire's feeding had been so unceremoniously interrupted, but oddly enough there seemed to be no lingering wounds. His stony scowl deepened as he waited to be invited in.

"You're a real freak, you know that?" Sollux noted with a grin.

Karkat rolled his eyes dramatically.

"And if you weren't precisely the one thousandth eight hundredth and fifty ninth person who's ever told me that in all my years of sniveling primordial patheticness I dare call an existence that might actually mean something to me. And you're no well-mannered debutante yourself," he quipped and promptly barged his way into the room.

Sollux skittered out of the way of the hurricane of shortness and fury as it led an affected Vampire into his room, and lingered by the door. Just in case.

"THERE, now was that so hard?" Karkat asked acerbically as he turned on his heels.

"Maybe…" Sollux replied, looking up nervously at the elegant, shadowy hunter of human blood continuing to make faces in his direction.

"Alright alright enough, EVERYONE. Let's just deal with this whole mess in a calm and dignified manner. Sollux, obviously you have seen something pretty hard to believe," Karkat began, holding his hands out between Vampire and potential prey cautiously.

"That's… Rather an understatement," Sollux reiterated, swallowing hard, "So you're… An actual, legit, museum proof, certificate of authenticity… Vampire…"

Much to his horror, Eridan grinned and let his long, wicked fangs drop to their full imposing length.

"I'd prove it to you firsthand, but you smell like the garbage can behind a 24 hour Taco Bell and I have a very strict diet," he sniffed.

Sollux rubbed his neck absentmindedly.

"No I… Think I believe you without a demonstration, thanks though."

"Okaaaaay, now that we have in fact established that this is a whole new level of fuckdom for poor Sollux, that is far too much for him to process, let's go ahead and FIX IT," Karkat interjected, hissing his final words and elbowing Eridan pointedly in the side.

"Huh?" he responded dumbly, blinking into Karkat's furious gaze a few moments before he seemed to take the hint, "Oh right. Over here, please, Human!"

With that he swept over to the bed and patted the covers as if he were inviting a dog to jump up, smiling pleasantly. Sollux's mismatched eyes slid over to Karkat, who gestured urgently over to the bed.

"Just trust us for one precious second out of your soon to be very pleasantly uneventful night, then you can be on your merry way like nothing ever happened!" he insisted.

"Yeah! Like it neeever happened!" Eridan sang, grinning with all the smug complacency of a private joke.

Sollux sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. There was probably no way his night was going to get any weirder than it already had. Probably. And in any case he really only had two options, go along with a pair of grade A losers who really were mucking up the whole legendary Vampire mystique, or make a break for it, in which case he probably would meet a rather grisly fate. If only because he would definitely wind up on that park bench and warding off ne'er-do-wells which had been the entire impetus of looking for a decent place to stay anyway. So he shrugged, shuffled over to the bed, and sat himself down. As he situated himself and Eridan ominously rolled up his sleeves, the second pair of figures he had entirely forgotten were even there suddenly appeared in the doorway and craned their heads in to look.

"Seriously? We told you two we'd handle it! What the hell are you two doing here?" Karkat snapped.

Both women snickered, and the one with jet black hair and dressed to the nines, and coincidentally the one that had been dining on a blood donor bag, spoke up first.

"The yelling stopped, we assumed it was either because you had found your convoluted path to civility or you were busy mopping up a crime scene," she said in an elegant, velvety voice.

Yep, Sollux thought, definitely a Vampire, and definitely more like Vampires than Eridan could ever hope to be.

"Either way, we wanted to watch," the blonde at her side chimed in, grinning darkly with her black-painted lips.

Sollux shuddered. She didn't give quite the vibe of bloodsucking creature of the night, but something was decidedly not human about her.

"Just what do you think you're gettin' to watch?" Eridan asked dryly.

"Oh, I don't know, kinky Vampire, mutant, human threesome? Inspiration for my latest novel? I have hit rather the mental barrens lately. Perhaps this could be the sumptuous oasis of carnal inspiration I have been searching for," the blonde continued smugly.

Karkat promptly threw a vulgarly worded tantrum about being called a mutant, as well as on the vices of supernatural, homosexual erotica. Sollux tuned him out, grinned to mask his nerves, and did what he usually did in awkward situations, piped up with a well-placed quip.

"Hey, that's exactly what I said earlier! But sourpuss here disappointed me. Great minds think alike I suppose!"

The women at the doorway looked simultaneously impressed with the gumption of Eridan's human du jour, and glanced at each other with a knowing glint in their eyes.

"This one's got a little life and spirit to him, it would seem. Not like the others. Most humans who end up back here like this are craven little cowards, weeping and begging for their little mortal lives while we all have a good laugh. You sure you want to just let him go? Seems to me it might be prudent to just let him stay and see where it goes," the darker-haired one mused.

Karkat's jaw fell open, appalled.

"No. No, no and also no, he will NOT be staying to see where it goes because we all know exactly where this is fucking going! This is literally a game of demonic musical chairs, there is only one goddamn route! And Sollux is NOT playing he is going HOME," he barked emphatically.

"Who says I even have a home to go to, huh?" Sollux teased without thinking, "What if I'm actually enjoying myself? What if this is the most exciting night of my otherwise monotonous and pathetic life? What if I want to stay and see what uh-"

He gestured to the duo, inviting them to introduce themselves, but wanting to officiate and get everything smoothed over, Karkat interjected.

"That's Kanaya, she's a vampire, that's her girlfriend Rose, she's a Witch, there, are we done now? Is your curiosity satiated or do you still have to paw at it like a cat tormenting a mouse and then not even eating it? Can we move along?!" he snapped, ranting rapidly.

Sollux did a double take. He was definitely not counting on even more revelations of underground supernatural happenings that evening.

"Wait… Witches now? WITCHES are a thing? Please do not tell me on the same night I saw a real life Vampire that Witches are real too," he groaned.

"Witches, Vampires, Werewolves, ghosts and demons, you name it, every single one of them is most decidedly, as you so eloquently put it, a thing," Rose hummed.

"GREAT. And you expect me to just waltz out of here into the night now that I know all that crap is out there? And here I thought the worst thing I had to worry about were paranoid schizophrenics with butterfly knives! Now I have to look over my shoulder and worry about drive by hexes, haunted dumpsters, low flying dragon shit, and rabid dogs that may or may not actually be six foot hairy jocks with a thirst for nerd blood left over from their formative teenage years?!"

"Don't be silly, dragons would never relieve themselves over a human city, they have far more civility and class than that. They're noble and wise creatures and I will thank you not to insult them," Kanaya huffed indignantly.

"AND WE ARE DONE! Well, this has been an eventful fucking evening! We've all had our fun! But I think we should all just call it a night! Lucky for you, Sollux, you won't even be bothered by ANY of this if you'll just…" Karkat interjected, darting to Sollux's side and physically turning his head so he met Eridan's captivating gray gaze, "Look right into Eridan's eyes and listen VERY carefully to him."

Karkat had hinted several times that this is what his ultimate goal was, and though it was like some beachside paperback ploy of some fictional lovelorn Vampire, Sollux complied. He looked into Eridan's eyes and listened as his voice took on the same odd resonance it had when he had commanded him never to leave his room after dark.

"Listen. Tonight's been really weird, I know. But when you walk outta here you're gonna leave happy and content and totally ignorant of all these piddly little… Darker details about the nature of the universe. You'll go back to… Whatever cute little human thing it is you do, and you'll be none the wiser! Because, none of this shit actually exists. There are no Vampires or ghosts or werewolves, and I am most definitely not a Vampire. In fact! I am actually just the most charmin', handsome, and amazin' man you've ever met in your entire life! You uh…" Eridan frowned a little as he tried to invent the scenario in which they had met to plant into the mortal's mind, "You uh… Oh! You tried to chat me up in a bar, because I was the single most enchantin' and gorgeous thing you'd ever seen. You couldn't get me outta your little mind! An' I felt kinda sorry for you. It was such a pitiful display. All full of technology puns and geek pop culture references. It was kinda cute actually. So I did you the ultimate favor and took you back to my place, I sat you on my couch, I looked deep into your eyes and told you… Someday. Maybe someday. You will lose your virginity. It might just happen! Stranger things have! It meant so much hearin' it from an Adonis like me you broke down and cried! I held you, stroked your hair a little, and when I snap my fingers, you're gonna walk out of here and have only the memory of the best night of your entire miserable, bottom-feedin' life. No man'll ever be able to compare to me, and you'll live your life haunted by the beautiful night you spent with a mysterious stranger."

Sollux stared, wide-eyed, as Eridan grinned, smugly satisfied with his imagined pedestrian explanation of what was in reality a positively extraordinary evening, and snapped his fingers. Karkat slapped himself in the forehead, but heaved a sigh of relief that everything was about to be over. Unfortunately for the both of them, Sollux was very much still in possession of his full and seething faculties, and more than a little revolted with the memory Eridan would have him walk away with. He drew his fist back, trying to recall the collective Bruce Willis, Jean Claude Van Damme, and Bruce Lee movies he had ever watched, and let it fly straight into Eridan's arrogant face.

Punching a Vampire felt a little like punching a Grecian bust of Hercules, and probably did just as much good, but Eridan still recoiled in shock of the sheer audacity of a well-placed right hook. Rose and Kanaya gasped in unison before they burst into hysterical laughter, and it was left to Karkat to dive in and grab his wrist before he could deck him again.

"Jesus fucking Christ! Eridan, I thought you were Enamoring him!" he bellowed as Sollux wriggled in his grasp.

"I WAS," Eridan cried indignantly, still holding his nose, "And I did it right the first time, too! It ain't workin' on this mordant little chucklehead!"

"Well isn't that a cheery tidbit? Isn't that just the cherry on top of this gooey, melty sundae of a clusterfuck disaster! Actually that isn't a half bad idea. Nothing is getting done in this nest of self-serving supernatural fuckwits, so we are officially removing ourselves from this situation! Off your ass Sollux, we're out of here, and we're going for ice cream," Karkat announced.

"Ice cream? ICE CREAM? Are you FUCKING crazy? Just what the fuck are you people trying to do to me anyway? Are you TRYING to give me a one way ticket to the loony-HEY!"

Karkat yanked him off his feet with surprising strength and hauled him toward the door.

"Damn right I'm fucking crazy. If I wasn't completely and totally batshit insane at this point in my life it would be the fucking second coming! And since I am the only one with a shred of humanity left in me, and ice cream fixes everything, you are coming downstairs, getting in my car with me, and sharing a beautiful motherfucking frozen confection over a calm discussion away from this freak show!" he bellowed.

"You are aware I'm still very much human as well, Karkat," Rose pointed out as she stepped aside, "I could accompany you. Offer a little more insight on the paranormal world as someone who was not born into it or forced into it like the rest of you, but rather as an individual who made a conscious choice to step into the occult."

"No fucking way, Lalonde. You're the least human out of everyone here combined! The only reason you even still LOOK human is you've gone so far fucking AWAY from human you looped clear back around again!"

Kanaya covered her mouth to stifle her giggle, and Sollux swore he saw Rose's skin flush momentarily gray as she glared daggers at her partner.

"Shoes on, mouth shut, let's GO."

Sollux found himself a little disconnected from reality as he stuffed his feet into his mismatched sneakers and was dragged down the elevator and into the parking garage of the apartment complex where he was tossed into the passenger side of a dented old red Volkswagen Beetle. Karkat flung himself into the driver's side, and as he peeled out of the structure, horn blaring and middle finger flying out the window at the unfortunate motorist who he had nearly t-boned, Sollux sank in his seat and wondered if he was safer in his seat, or back in the apartment with two vampires and a sultry witch.


End file.
